FACEBOOK a theory

DISLIKE!

I've been waiting 16 minutes for a photo to upload on my Facebook iPhone App.

This is not an uncommon occurrence.  Yesterday I posted the SAME photo with the SAME text three SEPARATE times with the SAME outcome.  After a very long buffering / upload time, the pic finally appeared to have been successfully plastered all over my Facebook wall in self indulgent glory..... but it wasn't?!

So I tried.... tried.... tried again.

Anyone who has read any of my other blog posts

(here) http://assskadam.blogspot.com.au/

or follows me on Twitter

(here) http://twitter.com/#!/Adam_Williams_

or views my Instagram

(here) @adam_williams_ (yes two underscores)

or has clicked on my website

(here) http://adamwilliamslive.com

or is my Facebook friend

(here) https://www.facebook.com/adamrwilliams

or is a fan of my Facebook Official Page

(here) https://www.facebook.com/AdamWilliamsOfficial

knows I'm quite partial to a picture or 2,489.  So the fact the Iphone App sucks dogs balls, is rather annoying (for me..... and I'm sure every other man and his dog's balls).

It's not just the pic uploads that are tragic about the App.  It's the time it takes to load and open.  It's the frequency for which it freezes.  It's the recurring issue with multiple crashings.  The list goes on.

So while I was waiting that 16 minutes for my pic to upload via my iPhone Facebook App, I thought of a get rich quick scheme.

I SHOULD RELEASE A FACEBOOK APP THAT ACTUALLY WORKS!

An App that works with the same efficiency as the Twitter App, the Instagram App and every other App on my bloody iPhone.

Then I saw only a possible short lived honey period for my investment.  Surely if I built an App better than the official FB App, then Mr Zuckerberg would skooter into his office one day and say to his team of the BEST programmers in the WORLD (hot geeks that find joy in staying up all night writing code):

"Hey hot geeks.....  married life is great.  I'm about to steal her dad's idea for a Gellato shop that serves hot dogs.  Anyway, let's stay up all night and write code!  
This over tanned Aussie has made a better FB app then the one we got now, so let's show him who's boss and STEAL his idea and make a better app than our current app too.  That'll shut him down, shut him up and show him who the best thieves are..... I mean best code programmers are!"

They'd end up doing it way quicker and probably better than I could.

So why haven't they done it ALREADY?

Why has the best and the biggest in the business, the team who has delivered a site that has NEVER crashed, THE BIGGEST SITE IN THE WORLD not yet delivered an App that is efficient.  Why is their App so insufficient it shits me enough to avoid it via my iPhone, and only visit FB primarily via my desktop?

Then it dawned on me....... there's no advertising on the iPhone FB App, but there's SHITLOADS of advertising on FB via my desktop!

So low and behold, an inferior product has led me to my desktop where the advertising is.

I herein name Mark Zuckerberg "GEORGE W. BUSH"

I'm sure you can figure out why!

proven RIGHT and proven WRONG

on the down low, the HEAD down low!

When you carry on like an OTT ADD know it all, It's not very enjoyable being proven wrong (it's probably not very enjoyable even if you don't carry on like me).

BUT....

it's blooming fantastic when you're proven right!

When one is proven wrong, one must learn from it.

When one is proven right, one must BLOG ABOUT IT!

Yesterday I blogged that by walking into the city (and not driving) I had the pleasurable opportunity of noticing the sun was shining.

yesterday's sun shining out of the CBD's sky's arse

I'm no doctor (white is a very hard colour to keep clean) so I am unaware if vitamin D played any role in what unravelled, but the walk appeared to have a positive effect on me.  I noticed everything in a new light.

A new SUNlight!

I attributed noticing the sun to my walk and those rose coloured sunglasses, made EVERYTHING brighter.

LOW AND BEHOLD today I DROVE into the city and THIS is what happened!

Meeting one today was with my accountant.

This is the face of a boy who was called to meet his accountant about his spending habits.

hang your head in SHAME spending-habit boy!

Oh I am EXCEPTIONALLY good at spending!  Unfortunately for I (and unfortunately for my bank balance and unfortunately for my accountant) the meeting was not about how GOOD I am at spending (cause I'd win THAT award) it was about how BAD I am at NOT spending.

You can't be good at everything!

I already knew the agenda of the meeting was for me to realise I am NOT major shareholder of Fairfax and I am NOT buying up Channel 10 shares so I am NOT entitled to two chairs on the board (one for me and one for my luxury brand wallet).

Because I already knew this (even though my spending habits prove differently), I tried to dress down and appear like someone who wasn't spending frivolously.

So I wore GHETTO.

Yes, Gucci does GHETTO

These GUCCI kicks scream ghetto.

Sitting in the foyer staring at the two stunning early twenty receptionists with white teeth, petite waists and much more than a fist full...... I noticed THIS:

this is only ONE of my accountants boats

This is what you get for winning the Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race.

My accountants boats are VERY nice and VERY fast (and VERY famous..... not just this boat).

Being in such illustrious company it made me think.  Not only have I not seen any sun today..... I'm wearing the WRONG shoes around such honourable treasures (the two receptionists AND l'plaque d'WON'th line honours d'Sydney du Hob'aart).

I mean I'm channeling GHETTO.... I don't think these two pretty receptionists are hot for GHETTO!

What was I thinking?!  This is one situation where I actually could have worn....

a BOAT SHOE!

Anyone who knows me KNOWS there is nothing in the entire universe that can possibly make me feel worse than when I THINK I am wearing the wrong shoe (or SHOES plural is twice as bad).

Leaving the meet wearing the wrong shoes with no sun and no sign of the rose coloured glasses I wore yesterday, I tried to find them at my next meeting.

I found them.

I found them in here.

warm

reach toward that synthetic sunlight

Nothing screams rose coloured glasses than a fuschia down light.

Let's do it AGAIN!

and again, and again!

So I'm very grateful to be able to let you know I've popped back on my rose coloured glasses (well my fuschia ones) and I've noticed.....

It's not cold out.... it's WARM in.

Are you wearing yours today?

Yes?  Thank god we're matching!

The moral of the story is I need to start walking MORE!

It's not WHAT you see it's HOW you see it

This light makes my teeth look whiter, how did I see it? By taking a SELFIE

Today I had two meetings in the CBD.  I live a 5min drive from the days obligatory destinations yet it has never crossed my mind to walk there.  I'm the person who drives one block to Tropicana every night to pick up my Summer salad with chicken (even in Winter) so why wouldn't I drive three blocks to the CBD?

The walk was multifunctional:

a.  I had some work tracks I needed to listen to and

b.  I was too bloody lazy to gym today, and with a 'GET FIT QUICK' deadline looming, I chose to rename the three block stroll cardio.

This is the 3rd reason why I had to walk, I was about to eat the moisturiser AND the eye cream.

When I picture driving into the city I picture banked up traffic, No Right Turns, parking issues, No Right Turns, EXPENSIVE underground parking solutions, No Right Turns, on street parking fines and Left Turn ONLY's.

But travelling the same road by foot today, it made me see the journey in a whole different light.

LITERALLY different light!

I actually noticed the sun was shining.  

I can't confirm I was walking ON sunshine, but I was definitely walking IN sunshine and while I may not be the band 'Katrina and the Waves' nor the cast of GLEE, I'm pretty confident on and in are practically the same thing (bar a vowel or two).

If I was driving, probs wouldn't have even noticed the sun even though it still would'a been there.  So by walking today and not driving I learnt:

It's not WHAT you see, it's HOW you get there!........ I mean HOW you see it!

I don't know if consequently the sun was shining out of everyone's arse today, but I even made a new friend.

My new friend

I DIDN'T think:

I can't believe you're walking up William St carrying tonnes of heavy frabic and dragging white fabric along this filthy road.

Using the new motto It's not WHAT you see it's HOW you see it, I thought:

This must be the most best day of your life.  As a best friend of Dorothy's, Ruby slippers in Oz are VERY near to my heart!

TRY USING the motto It's not WHAT you see, it's HOW you see it today (it's a great motto for Instagram users)

Here are some other examples:

it's not "Shit you really ARE flat!"
it's "well done for holding onto 8kpa of air out 240kpa"

it's not "this scarf malts ALL over dark clothing"
it's "how ideal this scarf is for camouflaging with the natural fauna"

it's not "brrrrrr it's cold at the airport at this hour"
it's "look we can write names in the windows"

it's not "Simone's head is in the way of my obligitory skyline TweetPic"
it's "how delightful Simone's hair matches the skyline"

it's not "OMG Powerlines just exploded on Victoria St'
it's "We can REACH for the actual stars"

it's not "you've got NOTHING to add to this conversation"
it's "I love how transparent you are with our relationship"

it's not "WHAT THE HELL IS IT?"
it's "this would have the BEST SPF rating"

it's not "I have a phobia about sweeping the floors"
it's "what an economical showgirl costume option"

it's not "why can't i STOP eating"
it's "this food coma is going to make for an extraordinary afternoon nap"

With my new found outlook, I left that meeting practically floating:

Actually leaving that meeting practically floating

Gold I tell ya! Pure wearable GOLD!

And low and behold, I noticed my shoes matched the floating banister, and were literally Gold.  Gold!  The colour of a winner.

Walking home, I was trying to see the roads paved with that same gold.

Keep you posted on that one.

This post is dedicated to my dear StMurphy.  He celebrated a milestone recently.  He is fabulously pretty pink, so it could be true in saying that nobody else has mastered seeing the world through rose coloured glasses quite like HIM.  Ironic then that being in his company and by calling him a friend, the world is that touch more colourful and bright.  

Celebrating the milestone with the SAINT D'MURPHY. You can't tell by looking at this picture exactly which milestone he was celebrating (I hope you can't tell the number of milestones I've had EITHER)

Fairfax and News Limited reading the same paper?

Where are all the readers? At home on their iPads?

What happened last week to newspaper circulation?  Surely between Monday 11th and Sunday 16th June 2012 circulation and numbers didn't SO drastically drop in readership of our MAJOR newspaper houses, that on Monday morning both Fairfax AND News Limited woke up and thought:

"Gee, last week was pretty intense mate, we better act quick, let's change the face of the Australian Media landscape and let's change it RIGHT NOW!  We won't need to employ Jamie Durie for the new landscape design we have in mind and heck..... don't think we'll need the new seeds planted and watered by a shit load of the employees we currently got either!"

My heart goes out to those employees with uncertain futures.  It's the same struggle I find with my line of work week in and week out so I know that daunting feeling well.

You'd have to have been sleeping under a tree Jamie Durie planted not to have been acutely aware that newspaper circulation has been in slow decline for quite some time.  Like everything else today, we can now buy our newspapers on line on this thing called the internet.  Newspapers are SO cheap online, sometimes they're free.

It's difficult to find a true success story of a Newspaper's paywall.  This unchartered territory has danced one step forward, two steps back with more turns and backtracks than a blogger threatened with liability.

Rumor was that journalists didn't even like bloggers.  As blogging grew it's followers at the rate hard copy news paper circulation declined, there was a rumoured census that audiences were more entertained and interested in reading their 'news' from a multitude of forums.  However these blogging forums are purely opinion based and let's be honest..... I don't want to read about the current state of Greece's economy and how it could undo the whole EURO set up by dragging down those who DID pay their bills (like uptight Germany) written up on some blog by a Greek housewife (whose husband is one of those that thinks he can't be bothered paying his tax), I need to learn about it from a non partial professional who is reporting confirmed facts.

Regardless of whether I read a professionals confirmed facts backlit on an iPad or laid out on the coffee table written on fish and chip wrapping, surely someone has to get paid for writing it (and even FACEBOOK the most viewed website in the world hasn't successfully profited online advertising) so surely I have to pay some amount for reading it (cause eventually someone gotto be paid for writing it)?

I can confirm journalists DON'T dislike bloggers, I'm a baby blogger turning one month old only last Monday and was invited to meet with some GODs of News Limited.  Ironically it was the same Monday my blog turned one month that BOTH major news houses woke up and thought, shit.... better do something about this!  While my blog post wouldn't confirm the subject of my meeting I can assure you my meet did NOT bring down two major forces in our country's communication.

I can't know everything, so obviously i don't know your own personal news paper reading habits.  However, I can confirm that I actually don't know a single person in my immediate circle that DOESN'T buy the Sunday papers.... and they all own iPads.

The future is never written in stone, will it be written on paper or will it be written on a backlit screen?

I don't know..... can someone write about it and tell me so we all know?

Today I drank my own whizzer

Thirsty?

The nice peeps reading my blog will know that my terrific time away in the country was bloody eventful.  Not only was it a wonderful weekend outta the rat race with some of my fav peeps, but I stumbled across something I'd been looking for, for a bloody long time.

Remember I found the fountain of youth.  I let you know it was so bloody hard to find cause it wasn't even called the fountain of youth, it was called the Moree Artisian Hot Baths.

But I never got around to telling you exactly HOW this water is scientifically proven to be an Aussie answer to a magic youthful potion.

Let the hose sprinkle free!

I'm not an expert (well maybe I am an expert at every known trick to turn back the clock), but I'm gonna give it my best shot at explaining EXACTLY how this natural wonder works:

If you're a big drinker, you're gonna love this cause the Artisian Hot Baths are practically a multivitamin in liquid form (swallow that pill and party on!).  

It goes a bit like this....

So like it rained in South East Queensland over a million years ago (no exageration, literally a MILLION YEARS AGO) and the water sorta like trickled through these tiny cracks in some porus Artisian rock a whole 1,000m below the earth (this is SO Disney..... but true!).

So this Rock Star named Artisian was a total hottie, like 40 degrees celcius hottie.  

Everyone must have bought his records because he went from being a POORus rockstar to RICH in minerals (maybe they paid iTunes invoice in minerals not money a million years ago?).

So everyone in the Artisian Rock Aussie Underground Indi Underworld wanted a piece of him.  So he scored ALL the time.  They all jumped on him.  He picked up EVERYTHING in his sight.  He picked up this chick called salt, this chic called magnesium and a whole group of chicks which have been scientifically proven to give your body a really good time!  

After not seeing the light of day for literally over a million years, he's been resurfaced and bathing in his glory can have the following effects on your body:

Rejuvinates and re-hydrates the skin

Assists in detoxifying the body's lymphatic system

Replenishes cellular composition

Relaxes muscles and eases joint pains assisting arthritic problems

Assists in management of sciatica and nerve troubles

Relief of symptoms for psoriasis, eczema and other common skin complaints

I'm not a doctor, but those making these claims actually ARE!

It's a bit ooga-booga for me and I'm not sure I've relayed the correct story about this Rockstar named Artisian and the re-surfacing of his waters that are a million years old, so if you wanna know a more accurate account, you should check out:

http://www.mpsc.nsw.gov.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=159&Itemid=140

About 2,000,000 Eastern European tourists each year can't ALL be wrong.  

To make sure these eternally youthful Europeans didn't catch skin cancer on our watch, the kind folk of Moree revamped the Artisian baths from this

Primitive

to this

1 of the 2,000,000 Eastern European tourists

to this

Hi boys!

And now it looks like bloody Wet Water World with Wonderful benefits.

Me doing my best Kylie impersonation at the Moree Artisian Baths:

AQUA-dite

Better the Devil You Know

On a night like this!

Showgirl TOUR

Kylie remix MASH UP!

Anyway, I'm back in Sydney from my Moree get away.  Today, on my way to the gym at my local food shop I bought this:

Eternal youth for $2.... BARGAIN!

Just between you and I......

On the off chance I accidentally peed in the Artisian baths (surely our pop princess is now of an age when those piddly little wet water world accidents accidentally dribble out) then is there a possibility I just paid $2 at my local health food shop to drink my own pee?

OR

to drink the pee of 2,000,000 Eastern European tourists?

This is NOT a sponsored post, but IF my pee is the magic ingredient in the scientifically proven fountain of youth, then I AM willing to sell it.

Who wants a drink?

WHO WANTS A DRINK?

Sharing is CARING!

A room with a view!

I write to you from the country.

A long weekend away to celebrate two grand milestones.

My besties birthday:

BFFs

The beautiful people jetted in to celebrate (and drink)

Annie wore Hermes (so I copied)

Country.... more TREE than ____ (it's a lifestyle)

And celebrating another milestones this very evening..... my blog's one month anniversary!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

How apt I write about birthday cake.

Location:  Country
Duration:  Long weekend getaway
Cause:  Bestie's 40 yrs of fabulousness Birthday and Blog's one month coming of age
Diet:  CAKE

Anyone who knows me well would say I like to have my cake AND eat it!

Look what Betty found!!!!!

It would make me extra content to know people were talking of my 'sweet disposition', but in this blog world of reality and truth, it's more likely and far more probable they're talking of my 'sweet TOOTH'.

I shan't go into great detail here today about my eating habits for feat of pushing you the reader, head first into a mound of sugar coma.  If I do one day choose to divulge exactly how bad my diet is, then at last my tasty twitter followers would understand why I always seem to be exercising, and why I always seem to be tweeting about it.... a bit fat guilty conscious!

Tweeting about the gym.... well tweeting about what I'm WEARING to the gym!

Re diet:  let me tell you, of what goes in one end, only a very small percentage come'th out'th the other end'th!


So when it comes to birthday cake time, I'm that person who is EXTRA particular about which piece of the pie is actually MINE (well which pieces PLURAL).

I'm not a size queen!  It's not the SIZE of the slab of sugary cake which increases my heart rate, it's the percentage ratio of icing sugar to cake that makes my taste buds bloom.

I don't actually like cake....

but I LOVE icing sugar!

This ain't such a big deal until I note everyone's had their budgeted piece of the pie and subtly, I creep in for my 2nds, 3rds, 4ths and 5ths.

I'm that person who cuts the icing sugar off the remaining pieces of cake, leaving the unused sponge on the silver platter.

Throughout my 20-something years of life I have heard EVERY excuse as to why this is inappropriate, rude, wasteful, just plain wrong and in bad taste (pun intended).

Well here in my own blog land where I am fortunate enough to get the final say, I'd like to set the record straight (well as straight as I can be).

I am SHARING!

I am leaving half for you!  Granted I am taking the better half, but eating cake in our wasteful existence is NOT a democracy.... it's first in first served!

Sharing is caring.

VERY clearly.... I care.

Let's share?!

And let's eat us some cake!

My search for the fountain of youth! FOUND IT!

FACT: Scientifically proven ACTUAL Fountain Of Youth

Fact NOT fiction!

My search for the Fountain Of Youth.

It's been my life long dream and ambition to know the secret code, location and whereabouts of the magic Fountain Of Youth that we have read about in so many mythical literatures. 

I dream in technicolor that I should be one of the select few who may one day stumble across such a priceless body of magical liquid.  A liquid that when once submerged beneath its blanket of warm healing properties will diminish the aches and pains of every day life, remove the war stories engraved in line text brail on ones forehead and eliminate the battle scars we nightmarishly refer to as 'wrinkle'.  

I pray to be guided hypnotically towards its drinkable direction.

I preempt in my head the sweet sound of a delicate harpsichord accompaniment as I imagine testing the temperature of its tranquility by dipping my toe into this sumptuous serum.  

In slow motion, the movie in my mind cross fades between each frame allowing me time to savour the densely decorated spectacle of a full Fountain Of Youth cup.... that runneth over.   

I fantasise the ponds potion has an aroma as exotic as its promise of eternal youth and as enchanting as her spellbinding ingredients.  

Surely should I find such a fountain, then each sense shall be indulged? 

But how would I find it?

How would I find the hidden treasure?

I imagine any map hinting at the secret Fountain Of Youth's location would be coded.  A booming baritone logical inner dialogue predicts the true reader of the map and the only one to see clearly through its blurred code would be the blind, and the faithful.  

So I chose to trust that blind faith!  With endless hot air filling my sails and pure aspirational innocence insisting the fountain's location was just beyond the river bend, I trusted blind faith would float me forth and propel me towards such an idealistic destination, an idealistic outcome and an idealistic treasure.

But then my ship called 'Blind Faith' hit some stormy weather.  Retrospectively the damage was minimal, but the hull started to look a bit..... how do I say this?.... well.... OLD!  

Some spack filler tried to hide the dints on the port side and a regular fresh coat of paint did its best to hide the damage the sun had already caused, but regardless of endless maintenance and new technologies utilised to try and keep the ships forehead sailing smooth, the damage was already done!

The boat was showing her age and the pirates had noticed her vulnerability in particular problem areas. 

Her cargo didn't just feel heavier.... it LOOKED heavier.

I, as Captain was sailing along with a bit too much junk in my trunk.

'Captain I Ay-Ay' couldn't really be bothered pushing ship up stream anymore and even if I did try, the wooden joints moaned and groaned and sprung leaks at the most inappropriate times!

Choosing to lower my anchor at islands I wouldn't have even looked twice at in my younger years, I rested my weary old ship's body and couldn't even be bothered watching an adult DVD and walking my own plank each night before I went to bed.  

Even the memories of a brighter day were becoming as rusty as the nails holding the whole thing together. 

My telescope was so focused on just trying to sail my sorry old piece of ship through each day, that I forgot about the promised destination and I forgot I was even looking for the magic treasure. 

I forgot about the possible existence of the far away yonder Fountain Of Youth and the mythical promise of Nature's magic.

And then I found it!

I found the hidden treasure!

I FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!

Colour me happy, it was in Toby Osmond's backyard THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!

Maybe the reason it was so frigging hard to find was because it's not even called the fountain of youth, it's called the Moree Artisian Baths!

The Fountain Of Youth Moree Artisian Baths definitely smell exotic (if you know what I mean) but there ain't no harpsichord accompaniment when you pay your $6.50 entry fee.

HOWEVER.... there is some SERIOUS scientific benefits to letting some water go on a CRAZY arse journey for over a million years and then lying your weary, sorry old crazy arse around in it to rest, rejuvinate and re-YOUTH! 

Why is this a scientifically proven Fountain Of Youth and where the hell can I get me some for my old arse?

All will be revealed.............

TBC

Hey scientifically proven 'Youth Fountain' make us younger and prettier and smarter!
Ok, just make us YOUNGER!

Crystal ball, where will I wear?

That's what I was gonna wear!

Packing is my very worst nightmare!

It would be so much easier if I could see into the future.

It would be ungrateful not to acknowledge it's a decent wardrobe.  But nowhere in that wardrobe have I yet stumbled across my crystal ball.

Trying to find the crystal ball in my wardrobe is like trying to find the matching foot to a ruby red limited edition NIKE hightop kick.  It really should scream out at you!  You hope it's there (because walking the sidewalk of life would be far cooler and easier with both feet) but you're just not sure where you last saw it..... and you're not even sure if it actually exists.

The crystal ball and the matching ruby red NIKE hightop kick!

If I did own that crystal ball (I don't remember purchasing one, but there's piles of folded bits and pieces in my wardrobe I genuinely don't recall purchasing) life would be far easier to put the correct fashionable comfortable foot forward..... especially when having to choose which foot to put forward in advance..... like in the future!

Here's my point:

When having to pack a bit of an overnighter (a four-nighter in this particular case), how am I meant to know what I'm going to feel like wearing tomorrow at like...... say 4pm, WITHOUT the crystal ball?!

Without the crystal ball, how will I know what I'm going to feel like wearing at 5pm?

or 6pm?

or 6.58pm?

Hell, the weather man has a crystal ball and he can't even get right what mood the weather is going to be in tomorrow.  How the schamozzle am I meant to decipher what mood tomorrow I'm going to be in?  And THEN match an outfit to that mood?

Sometimes I can't even honestly tell you what mood I'm in NOW.

It's VERY ooga-booga!  Delving into the future and picking an outfit for it?!  Can you see my point?  You can probably see my point in your crystal ball?!  Because how else are you finding it so easy to pack?

Clearly everyone else must remember purchasing their crystal balls and remember exactly where they placed them in their wardrobe, because it appears to me that no one else BUT me seems so daunted by the forward-thinking-see-into-the-future task of packing luggage!

No one else seems daunted by the job of bagging up an outfit to wear to a lunch NEXT Sunday, a lunch we won't even find out exists, or is going to happen until next SATURDAY!

Does anyone have a spare crystal ball?

Can I find them on sale at the mid season stock takes?

Does David Jones or Myer have a better range of crystal balls?

Yeah I know, crystal balls are probably cheaper online.

Hope to see you in the future, looking fashionably forward trending, and with a decent set of crystal balls!

A word, a 4 letter word!

I was called to a meeting.  A meeting with a very powerful team.  A team who can take their magic paint brush and with a splattering of black and white ink, sway public opinion left and right like the over pronounced hips on a Victoria Secret Model.... A Victoria Secret model who was born a man.

My apologies to 'ink'.  No one should be judged pending their colour, but ink quite literally IS black OR white..... actually, ink can be blue?!


Also my apologies to all of those Victoria Secret Models that were born men.  I walk like that too!

My meeting was HERE:

We are one, but we are many.... words!

I can't tell you the subject of my meet.  It's confidential.  It's STRICTLY confidential.  If it was any MORE 'Strictly Confidential' you'd be correct in assuming it was written by Roxy Jacenko.  But it wasn't (if you know what I mean).  It was written by someone else.

For the purpose of this blog post, let's assume my meeting was about a four letter word....

'SHOE'

What type of shoe were we meeting about I hear you ask?

To be honest, people say it's a pretty shoe.... but it's a shoe that has walked round the block more times than it cares to admit.  A shoe cleverly designed and somewhat manufactured to sparkle in the light.... but enjoys kicking up its 8 inch heel in the dark.  Perhaps the shoe in question is a little older than its polished patent leathery vaneer appears?  But this shoe has an instep that can be supportive, and a heel that when it digs in deep enough....... has a decent shoe SOUL!

Are you thinking of the right shoe?

or the LEFT?

it's irrelevant, it's just....

A SHOE
(bless you)

TBC!

May the force B (for Bingle) with you?

Spread it!

Love her or hate her.  Everyone has an opinion.  And herein lies what actually might be the most interesting thing about Australian beauty LB.... EVERYONE has an opinion.

It's borderline impossible to find someone who is non partial to Lara's lifestyle, antics, headlines, car, relationships, rumoured relationships, clothes, sex life, body shape, pap shots, hair style, hair colour, nail colour, lipstick colour, skin colour, the list goes on.  You either love it or hate it.... BUT you all took the time to have a look, make your decision.... and then voice it.

Interesting don't you think.  Or do I mean interested?!

Either way, we have a person of interest and definitely in Ms LB's case..... slight fascination.

Last night was the premier episode of Lara's brand new Channel 10 show 'Being Lara Being'.  Of course you already knew this unless you were living under a big Ayers Rock with a broken television antenna, no radio signal and you're currently in a contract with Vodafone so your Twitter feed and your Facebook friends weren't giving you a count down until the opening credits, followed by a minute by minute re-cap of their updated thoughts on each segment and story arch in the episode..... and their expert educated opinion on her lipstick colour.

Heck, even our Prime Minister knew the time the show was going to air and discussed this on live radio.  This is the same Prime Minister who doesn't even know that I am equal to you (Equal Love).... but that's a whole other blog.

So Australia tuned in last night to see first hand what I had already learnt about mate LB.  She's just a cruisey cool chic, somewhat GHASP normal, damn down to earth beach chic chick with an ef'fing fabulous fashion sense, adore-abubble friends, a dumb arse brother with a fine taste for creme caramels (that makes him even cuter), a bloody legendary family and genuinely captivating aquatic blue eyes.

Rumour on the street is those are some exotic and talented 'come f@*&k me eyes!'

I can confirm on very good authority that they certainly are talented.  Geez Louise, we all want rave reviews in that personal apparel department?  It takes lots of practice and two to tango in order to win the mirror ball trophy while performing the dance of love, lust, or the dance of passion (depending on who you ask).

Those not voting for Lara in the next election often label Bingle a bimbo.  There's a whopping difference greater than the girth of a size DD cup between a stupid bimbo and a simple placid girl (leading anything other than a simple placid life) who at times may have gained from some equal part tough love while being wrapped up in a bit of cotton wool.

Interesting then to learn, the one man who may have gained the most personally from investing in cotton wool to wrap LB up in, was recently vacuumed off the carpet.

But nothing about Lara Bingle is swept UNDER the carpet.  It's all out there for us to see and enjoy like a hand full of side tittie.

I'm looking forward to the day we can watch the spectacle wearing LB's eyewear range.  If there's one thing the girl does PERFECTLY, it's fashion.  So these should hit the nail on the head or is that put the shade on the face.  It's one thing to design a brilliant pair of glasses but it's another thing to market them.  Some companies pay millions in brand advertisement so we are aware they even exist, and some brands are paid by companies to have a single camera follow them around to remind us they are simply existing.

Think about it, it's sorta a no brainer which one I'd prefer to be.

So who is right about beauty Lara Bingle?  The lovers or the haters?

We are going to find out.................  right after this quick commercial break:

This commercial break was brought to you by one chick just living her life, it was not brought to you by Bruce and Kris Jenner, Khloe, Kourtney and Rob Kardashian.  Nor was it brought to you by the force that is Ryan Seacrest nor the force behind Ryan Seacrest.  

And yet we're STILL talking about it.

May the force B with you (B for Bingle)

A party, no invite and SPECIAL guest gets LOOSE!

These were bumped out and cleared JUST for the event

I didn't receive the invitation but apparently it was written in the sky.

I was NOT prepared for such a spectacle and I felt VERY under dressed.

I've been to some pretty very memorable events.  This city throws a rip-rorter of a soiree.  A congregation of celebration quite literally happens seven nights a week thanks to the fabulous and tireless work of our heaven Event Planning and PR companies, and attended by some fabulous (and some tiresome) well dressed peeps.

We've partied on Wayne, we've partied on Garth, and we've partied on at some ingenious original hotspots (read random) to celebrate quite literally ANYTHING and YES.... I actually HAVE been to the opening of a fridge.  Granted it was an Alex Perry for Electrolux fridge, so the whole night (and the fridge) were as seamlessly executed and as fashionably fabulous as an actual Alex Perry gown!

But the fridge couldn't open itself.

It could probably defrost itself though.

But it couldn't be it's own opening.

Call in the party peeps!  What makes a good party (it's not the endless supply of Australian Bubbly) it's the endless supply of bubbly Australian party peeps.

There's lots of parties I'm not cool or current enough to be invited to, and one of these parties happened today.

There was a party on my very own balcony and I wasn't even invited!  Had I known the calibre of the stunning guests flying in for the occasion I probably would have flushed the toilet.

The stage is set!

The backdrop for the venue was spectacular.  Top secret venues are all the rage and this party was so top secret, no one else even knew about it.  I was the only one sitting on the balcony for the arrival of our special guest.

He flew in especially for the occasion and landed centre stage framed perfectly by his backdrop (great staging at this party).

SPOTTED! FRAMED!

Realising immediately that something special had joined my party of one, I did what everyone else seems to do when a special guest arrives, I pulled out my iPhone, tried to get as close as possible to the guest labeled 'special' and started taking pics.  Lots and lots of pics.

Guest has had SERIOUS media training, there's not a bad photo.

I'm so grateful he allowed me so many tweet pics of his Hermes-ablades outfit.  Stunning.  It totes put my gym gear to shame.  However my navy Adidas with Black Body Science was possibly a little more seasonal than his Spring or Summer colour pallet, but maybe he's wearing next season, Summer 12/13?  You can't dis fashion.

He obviously felt he'd met and finished his media obligations (although he never did mention who he was wearing) because after a couple of hundred iPhone camera frames....... he'd had enough.

Exiting stage right, camera left, OP, you can't HIDE in that outfit buster.

With the guests official arrival duties complete, it was time to get him a drink.

Beverages weren't sponsored at this event, so we won't mention what he's drinking.

I got the chance to thank him for the photos but I don't think he really listened.  He kept looking in another direction pretending to take in the view, but I could tell he was looking for someone more important to talk to (remember, I wasn't even invited)!

Checking the view my arse, that body language SCREAMS you're not listening.

I got a feeling THIS is who he wanted to meet but he didn't want to make it obvious.

Perhaps this is what we will ALL be wearing in Summer 12/13

I didn't want to listen in but is Cupid mixing on the DJ decks at this event?  Cause these two are nudging closer and closer.  Can practically see this Sunday Telegraph headlines already 'Special Guest Hooks Up with Aussie Local'.  Maybe they bonded over fashion trends.  Is that Lara?

"act like we're looking at the view, but it's 0414 #$% (@*"

Laughing at each others jokes.

Someone's said something funny or is laughing off a celesbian affair.  The ice is broken, party is now clearly pumping.

It's at this stage of any fabulous event or party with a special guest that you should stop taking pictures.

and THIS is why.................!

You really shouldn't be flying yourself home.  Do you even have a license ATM? 

So while I wasn't even cool enough to be invited to the party on my OWN balcony, I'm really glad I happened to be there for the arrival of the special guest.  Thank you for flying in just for the occasion, you added such a distinct personality and colour to make it an EVENT.

Please come again.

Same time next week?

Pigs might fly!