Tuesday 28 August 2012

Kath & Kim-DUH-rella (the Emotion Picture)

They've stepped OUT of the good room!

Lover of 'Slow Screws Against the Wall' Kath Day-Knight....

Foxy moron Princess Kimmy Craig nee Day....

Baron Sharon Strzelecki....

and Fountain Lake sausage and man bag expert Kell Knight are currently loading up their Diahatsu Charade and backing up their over sized ritzy 'fairy tails' to a cinema screen near you.

KATH AND KIMDERELLA, The Movie (or as this horn bag likes to call it..... Kath and Kim-DUH-rella, the Emotion Picture) opens nationally September 6th and here's the inside DIRT:

It turns out Kath has warts (and all).

After purchasing a bottle of 'Wart Off' from Fountain Gate's Terry Patterson Pharmacy, Kath speed reads, enters AND wins the trip of a lifetime for 2 to fly premium economy to a tiny European Kingdom called Papilloma in Italy (which remarkably resembles Positano in Italy) but is ruled by a Spanish King (who remarkably is Spanish and NOT Italian.... but is a king in Italy.... but actually isn't even a king).

Confused? Me too! But so's Sharon (turns out Sharon might wanna be a queen!).

If you loved the series and it's lowest common denominator poke at little Aussie-isms featuring cheap wigs, cheap costuming and fabulously entertaining cheap story lines..... 

then you're DEFINITELY going to love the fill-ums lowest common denominator poke at little Aussie-isms featuring cheap wigs, cheap costuming and fabulously entertaining cheap story lines shot on expensive film in expensive locations with very expensive technicolor post production and one expensive smoke ring special effect (and a cameo by Alex Perry.... now THAT'S expensive).

FYI: Exactly how real queen Dame Edna arrives in the fill-um can NOT count as a special effect.

Considering the royal wedding theme of the movie, I was genuinely hoping to see a naked Prince Harry getting hitched in Vegas. Instead I had to settle for a naked Kell on a tarmac.... but I still liked it.

Kath and Kim is as Australian as a yummy mummy sippin' on a cool glass'a C'ardonnay in the good room. It was ny-ioce, different, un-ewes-yewl. The fill-um spoke to me.... it said “look at moiye, look at moiye, Kimmoieye, look at moiye ploi-se”.

Kath and Kimderella, The Movie opens nationally September 6th. It looks a hundred bucks!

Saturday 21 July 2012

THE SHIRE Ep2 starring Mayor and Pauline Hanson

"Remember my name FAME..... uh I forgot your name Mitch"

There's only one more sleep until the much anticipated episode 2 of Channel 10's reality show, ummm docu-drama, ummm dramality 'The Shire'.

Only one more sleep until the genetically blessed and genetically modified vomit their selfless SELF all over our HD plasmas.

Only one more sleep until the sun kissed and the spray tanned man (and his +1 tranny friend) shimmy and shake back into our lounge rooms shouting

"we're here, the sun is shining and right this very second there's NO RIOTS going on in...... THE SHIRE!"

There may be no current riots, but there's certainly a whirlwind love triangle a-brewing down south, but my instincts and my TV viewer expertise tell me we might have to wait longer than one more sleep to find out the outcome of that situation.

Will local hunk Mitch end up with girl A or will local hunk Mitch end up with girl B who looks just like girl A?


Rather strangely there's been absolutely no hype, no interest and no press this week about Mitch's girl A or girl B.  This might largely be due to the fact girl A and girl B appear to be normal, nice girls and probably a very good indication of what the majority population of the real Shire local is like.  Obviously normal, nice, bland and average aren't colours interesting enough to hold our attention for 30mins, otherwise we'd turn off our TVs completely, stare at our own normal, nice, bland and average walls and watch the paint dry.

Enter THESE two characters:

"mine are pointing North" "mine are too.... which way's North?"

If there was a real standout star of Monday's first episode (and I use the term 'real' and 'star' VERY loosely but their boobies certainly stood out) it would be Vernesa Toroman (28) and her inflated side kick Sophie Kalantzis (27).  There's a whopping 1 years age difference between these two besties.... that's a whole four botox injections!

Sophie and Vernesa if you're reading this, the way I came up with that witty sentence was I took one year (which is 12 months) and divided it by 3 (cause fresh botox should last approximately 3 months) and ended up with 4.  Don't worry your pretty little heads about this one (or do I mean 'your version' of pretty little heads) cause it's a maths equation and my guts tell me being a mathematician is NOT your aspiration.

While absolutely no one cares about exactly which street Mitch's girl A and girl B currently live in (ironically, no one really cares much about them on the show at all) there's been MUCH interest in exactly which street Sophie and Vernesa live in.  The rumour mill states these loud trout-mouthed girls don't even reside in The Shire.

Of course one of the first to point this out to us was outspoken, camera happy, publicity seeking Shire mayor Carol Provan.

Carol Provan claims those two sets of silicon titties rest their silicon heads in the suburb Burwood, which is not officially part of 'The Shire' district.  She has also insinuated that Sophie and Vernesa should stop inflating their faces and chest balloons and start inflating a life raft to fat-blast themselves back to Burwood.

Is Mayor Carol Provan suggesting people who look and act differently are not welcome in The Shire?  And in turn, is she suggesting that only 'normal' people like surfie Mitch are welcome in The Shire?

She loves to pick a fight that Mayor.

This sounds like something that might start a riot.

OH THAT'S RIGHT, SUGGESTIONS THAT AUSTRALIANS OF ALL BACKGROUNDS ARE NOT WELCOME IN THE SHIRE DID START A RIOT!

Since the sad footage of the 2005 riots were beamed live all around the world, it was unfortunate that whenever the picturesque, spectacular costal community of The Shire was mentioned it was riots that came to mind.  Perhaps Ms Provan should thank David Mott at Channel 10, cause now whenever The Shire is mentioned I think of nice beaches, bloody brilliant people watching and the best live Twitter feed EVER!

Perhaps Channel 10 should give Mayor Carol shut-up-a-ya-face Provan her own reality show (co-starring Pauline Hanson)?  Carol seems to love the sound of her own voice AND a camera.  The camera and drawing attention to herself has been a life time passion for Ms Carol, formerly crowned Ms Bankstown in 1964 and appearing on numerous infomercials for the type of wrinkle vanishing creams Sophie and Vernesa are probably going to stock in their new Fat-Blasting Drive through salon (would you like to upsize that?).  Columnist Andrew Hornery made Mayor Carol Provan's website a must see!  For a fee, she'll do almost anything, even co-ordinate your funeral.... LITERALLY.... like aren't you just DYING!

But the show is not about Carol Provan (sorry Carol.... Channel 9 are in final stages of casting Big Brother atm).  So who is the show about?

I remember Mitch, Sophie, Vernesa and the token one scene gay boys.  If there was ever a season FOUR of The Shire, I wonder if the gay boys would end up with two scenes and I wonder if they'd end up looking like Mitch?

Dear cast, regardless of what you look like I just wanna let you know you are ALL welcome in my suburb (yes even a certain Shire local Ms KB from Engadine who wrote to the Sunday Telegraph expressing the 'embarrassing' cast members are more representative of Eastern Suburb BONDI).

Cause I like to think of my backyard as a little more tolerant.

Listen up peeps, change the channel or eat some Licorice Allsorts!  Cause with all sorts, there's many layers, there's many colours and there's many different flavours that come together and make the whole experience a little more interesting.

What a boring 30mins episode if everyone was just 'normal'.

Come to think of it, what a boring LIFE if everyone was just NORMAL.

Small minded people should be saying thank you "Thank you for giving us something to talk about in our 'normal' lives"




Sunday 1 July 2012

Brad and Lara DIDN'T win The Block

today we're wearing DEODORANT!

Oh I do love a good conspiracy.

I spent half of 2010 falling asleep watching Youtube clips on conspiracy theories re 9/11.

It genuinely made for a TERRIBLE night's sleep, but my fascination with the jaw dropping criss-crossing intertwined theories I unravelled far outweighed the nightmares and the fear George. W. Bush was tracking me like a voice over man shuffling with Sonia Kruger in the Big Brother House via these specific Youtube channels.

While the horror of 9/11 has literally NOTHING to do with the feel good, slap happy, hard working hammer and nail entertainment plus that is Channel 9's The Block, I couldn't help but feel something was up the minute reserve prices were announced on last night's grand finale.

Each of the four couples were just a sminnie gob smacked (and suppressing-ly happy) that the reserve prices were just a touch under what each of them had imagined..... well a lot under actually.

I don't claim to be an expert on real estate prices but I can claim to be an expert about watching real estate television shows.  I'm even addicted to the BBC's endless roll out of generically middle class couples searching for generically cold, dark middle class English homes!

(I think I have a fascination of looking at stranger's furniture.... either that or it's an architect thing!  An architect thing I hear you ask?  Yeah, when I was a kid I used to use my leggo to build actual interiors and went through a 36month phase beginning age 9 of drawing floor plans of my dream homes..... random right?  Well, it was equal part floor plans of my dream homes and upside down wedding dresses that I was sketching, but upside down wedding dresses have NOTHING to do with my block conspiracy!).

ANYWAY.........

After my heart rate spiked a little at the announcement of The Block's auction day reserve prices I settled in watch the drama unfold.

And unfold it did, like an origami treasure chest of made for television GOLD!

First up were Brad and Lara.  From the very initial get-go of bids, the price skipped on WAY past the reserve with a momentum and gusto greater than the tornado that travelled my friend Dorothy un-renovated farmhouse to Oz.

This probably wouldn't have urked any suspicion except for the fact that in 2011, only ONE house managed to sell over the reserve price (a rather deflating jumping castle of a grand finale in 2011).  But these 2012 bids were making for FANTASTIC TV!

The very second bidding started on house number two (these contestants also surprised at how low their reserve was), my theory was confirmed as bidding re-jumped STRAIGHT PAST this reserve price like an Easter Bunny on too many Sudafed.

As I'm sure you can predict, all FOUR houses were on a rock and roll, just like the first two.

Now if you want facts re last night's grand finale (like the fact winning couple Brad and Lara walked on home with a whopping $602K cash in hand) you can google.  Cause this blog post is about a conspiracy theory and NOT about facts.

While I believe reserves could have possibly been set too low to accommodate the poor outcome of last year's grand finale.....

I ACTUALLY DON'T CARE!

Cause after each couple worked tirelessly and put their blood sweat and tears into producing the best product possible, I quite love that they all ended up winners with a couple-a handfulls of cold hard cash.

For the first time ever, I genuinely felt like all contestants walked away winners.  And I liked it.  I loved it!

Cause I reckon anyone that works that hard for a positive outcome, deserves to be a winner.

So my next conspiracy is that Brad and Lara DIDN'T win.... all four couples won!

This conspiracy I like!



Wednesday 27 June 2012

FACEBOOK a theory

DISLIKE!


I've been waiting 16 minutes for a photo to upload on my Facebook iPhone App.

This is not an uncommon occurrence.  Yesterday I posted the SAME photo with the SAME text three SEPARATE times with the SAME outcome.  After a very long buffering / upload time, the pic finally appeared to have been successfully plastered all over my Facebook wall in self indulgent glory..... but it wasn't?!

So I tried.... tried.... tried again.

Anyone who has read any of my other blog posts

(here) http://assskadam.blogspot.com.au/

or follows me on Twitter

(here) http://twitter.com/#!/Adam_Williams_

or views my Instagram

(here) @adam_williams_ (yes two underscores)

or has clicked on my website

(here) http://adamwilliamslive.com

or is my Facebook friend

(here) https://www.facebook.com/adamrwilliams

or is a fan of my Facebook Official Page

(here) https://www.facebook.com/AdamWilliamsOfficial

knows I'm quite partial to a picture or 2,489.  So the fact the Iphone App sucks dogs balls, is rather annoying (for me..... and I'm sure every other man and his dog's balls).

It's not just the pic uploads that are tragic about the App.  It's the time it takes to load and open.  It's the frequency for which it freezes.  It's the recurring issue with multiple crashings.  The list goes on.

So while I was waiting that 16 minutes for my pic to upload via my iPhone Facebook App, I thought of a get rich quick scheme.

I SHOULD RELEASE A FACEBOOK APP THAT ACTUALLY WORKS!

An App that works with the same efficiency as the Twitter App, the Instagram App and every other App on my bloody iPhone.

Then I saw only a possible short lived honey period for my investment.  Surely if I built an App better than the official FB App, then Mr Zuckerberg would skooter into his office one day and say to his team of the BEST programmers in the WORLD (hot geeks that find joy in staying up all night writing code):

"Hey hot geeks.....  married life is great.  I'm about to steal her dad's idea for a Gellato shop that serves hot dogs.  Anyway, let's stay up all night and write code!  
This over tanned Aussie has made a better FB app then the one we got now, so let's show him who's boss and STEAL his idea and make a better app than our current app too.  That'll shut him down, shut him up and show him who the best thieves are..... I mean best code programmers are!"

They'd end up doing it way quicker and probably better than I could.

So why haven't they done it ALREADY?

Why has the best and the biggest in the business, the team who has delivered a site that has NEVER crashed, THE BIGGEST SITE IN THE WORLD not yet delivered an App that is efficient.  Why is their App so insufficient it shits me enough to avoid it via my iPhone, and only visit FB primarily via my desktop?

Then it dawned on me....... there's no advertising on the iPhone FB App, but there's SHITLOADS of advertising on FB via my desktop!

So low and behold, an inferior product has led me to my desktop where the advertising is.

I herein name Mark Zuckerberg "GEORGE W. BUSH"

I'm sure you can figure out why!

Tuesday 26 June 2012

proven RIGHT and proven WRONG

on the down low, the HEAD down low!



When you carry on like an OTT ADD know it all, It's not very enjoyable being proven wrong (it's probably not very enjoyable even if you don't carry on like me).

BUT....

it's blooming fantastic when you're proven right!

When one is proven wrong, one must learn from it.

When one is proven right, one must BLOG ABOUT IT!

Yesterday I blogged that by walking into the city (and not driving) I had the pleasurable opportunity of noticing the sun was shining.

yesterday's sun shining out of the CBD's sky's arse

I'm no doctor (white is a very hard colour to keep clean) so I am unaware if vitamin D played any role in what unravelled, but the walk appeared to have a positive effect on me.  I noticed everything in a new light.

A new SUNlight!

I attributed noticing the sun to my walk and those rose coloured sunglasses, made EVERYTHING brighter.

LOW AND BEHOLD today I DROVE into the city and THIS is what happened!

Meeting one today was with my accountant.

This is the face of a boy who was called to meet his accountant about his spending habits.

hang your head in SHAME spending-habit boy!

Oh I am EXCEPTIONALLY good at spending!  Unfortunately for I (and unfortunately for my bank balance and unfortunately for my accountant) the meeting was not about how GOOD I am at spending (cause I'd win THAT award) it was about how BAD I am at NOT spending.

You can't be good at everything!

I already knew the agenda of the meeting was for me to realise I am NOT major shareholder of Fairfax and I am NOT buying up Channel 10 shares so I am NOT entitled to two chairs on the board (one for me and one for my luxury brand wallet).

Because I already knew this (even though my spending habits prove differently), I tried to dress down and appear like someone who wasn't spending frivolously.

So I wore GHETTO.


Yes, Gucci does GHETTO

These GUCCI kicks scream ghetto.

Sitting in the foyer staring at the two stunning early twenty receptionists with white teeth, petite waists and much more than a fist full...... I noticed THIS:


this is only ONE of my accountants boats

This is what you get for winning the Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race.

My accountants boats are VERY nice and VERY fast (and VERY famous..... not just this boat).

Being in such illustrious company it made me think.  Not only have I not seen any sun today..... I'm wearing the WRONG shoes around such honourable treasures (the two receptionists AND l'plaque d'WON'th line honours d'Sydney du Hob'aart).

I mean I'm channeling GHETTO.... I don't think these two pretty receptionists are hot for GHETTO!

What was I thinking?!  This is one situation where I actually could have worn....

a BOAT SHOE!

Anyone who knows me KNOWS there is nothing in the entire universe that can possibly make me feel worse than when I THINK I am wearing the wrong shoe (or SHOES plural is twice as bad).

Leaving the meet wearing the wrong shoes with no sun and no sign of the rose coloured glasses I wore yesterday, I tried to find them at my next meeting.

I found them.

I found them in here.

warm
reach toward that synthetic sunlight

Nothing screams rose coloured glasses than a fuschia down light.

Let's do it AGAIN!

and again, and again!

So I'm very grateful to be able to let you know I've popped back on my rose coloured glasses (well my fuschia ones) and I've noticed.....

It's not cold out.... it's WARM in.

Are you wearing yours today?

Yes?  Thank god we're matching!

The moral of the story is I need to start walking MORE!


Monday 25 June 2012

It's not WHAT you see it's HOW you see it

This light makes my teeth look whiter, how did I see it? By taking a SELFIE

Today I had two meetings in the CBD.  I live a 5min drive from the days obligatory destinations yet it has never crossed my mind to walk there.  I'm the person who drives one block to Tropicana every night to pick up my Summer salad with chicken (even in Winter) so why wouldn't I drive three blocks to the CBD?

The walk was multifunctional:

a.  I had some work tracks I needed to listen to and

b.  I was too bloody lazy to gym today, and with a 'GET FIT QUICK' deadline looming, I chose to rename the three block stroll cardio.

This is the 3rd reason why I had to walk, I was about to eat the moisturiser AND the eye cream.

When I picture driving into the city I picture banked up traffic, No Right Turns, parking issues, No Right Turns, EXPENSIVE underground parking solutions, No Right Turns, on street parking fines and Left Turn ONLY's.

But travelling the same road by foot today, it made me see the journey in a whole different light.

LITERALLY different light!

I actually noticed the sun was shining.  

I can't confirm I was walking ON sunshine, but I was definitely walking IN sunshine and while I may not be the band 'Katrina and the Waves' nor the cast of GLEE, I'm pretty confident on and in are practically the same thing (bar a vowel or two).

If I was driving, probs wouldn't have even noticed the sun even though it still would'a been there.  So by walking today and not driving I learnt:

It's not WHAT you see, it's HOW you get there!........ I mean HOW you see it!

I don't know if consequently the sun was shining out of everyone's arse today, but I even made a new friend.

My new friend

I DIDN'T think:

I can't believe you're walking up William St carrying tonnes of heavy frabic and dragging white fabric along this filthy road.

Using the new motto It's not WHAT you see it's HOW you see it, I thought:

This must be the most best day of your life.  As a best friend of Dorothy's, Ruby slippers in Oz are VERY near to my heart!

TRY USING the motto It's not WHAT you see, it's HOW you see it today (it's a great motto for Instagram users)

Here are some other examples:

it's not "Shit you really ARE flat!"
it's "well done for holding onto 8kpa of air out 240kpa"
it's not "this scarf malts ALL over dark clothing"
it's "how ideal this scarf is for camouflaging with the natural fauna"
it's not "brrrrrr it's cold at the airport at this hour"
it's "look we can write names in the windows"

it's not "Simone's head is in the way of my obligitory skyline TweetPic"
it's "how delightful Simone's hair matches the skyline"
it's not "OMG Powerlines just exploded on Victoria St'
it's "We can REACH for the actual stars"

it's not "you've got NOTHING to add to this conversation"
it's "I love how transparent you are with our relationship"

it's not "WHAT THE HELL IS IT?"
it's "this would have the BEST SPF rating"
it's not "I have a phobia about sweeping the floors"
it's "what an economical showgirl costume option"
it's not "why can't i STOP eating"
it's "this food coma is going to make for an extraordinary afternoon nap"

With my new found outlook, I left that meeting practically floating:

Actually leaving that meeting practically floating
Gold I tell ya! Pure wearable GOLD!

And low and behold, I noticed my shoes matched the floating banister, and were literally Gold.  Gold!  The colour of a winner.

Walking home, I was trying to see the roads paved with that same gold.

Keep you posted on that one.

This post is dedicated to my dear StMurphy.  He celebrated a milestone recently.  He is fabulously pretty pink, so it could be true in saying that nobody else has mastered seeing the world through rose coloured glasses quite like HIM.  Ironic then that being in his company and by calling him a friend, the world is that touch more colourful and bright.  

Celebrating the milestone with the SAINT D'MURPHY. You can't tell by looking at this picture exactly which milestone he was celebrating (I hope you can't tell the number of milestones I've had EITHER)

Thursday 21 June 2012

Fairfax and News Limited reading the same paper?

Where are all the readers? At home on their iPads?

What happened last week to newspaper circulation?  Surely between Monday 11th and Sunday 16th June 2012 circulation and numbers didn't SO drastically drop in readership of our MAJOR newspaper houses, that on Monday morning both Fairfax AND News Limited woke up and thought:

"Gee, last week was pretty intense mate, we better act quick, let's change the face of the Australian Media landscape and let's change it RIGHT NOW!  We won't need to employ Jamie Durie for the new landscape design we have in mind and heck..... don't think we'll need the new seeds planted and watered by a shit load of the employees we currently got either!"

My heart goes out to those employees with uncertain futures.  It's the same struggle I find with my line of work week in and week out so I know that daunting feeling well.

You'd have to have been sleeping under a tree Jamie Durie planted not to have been acutely aware that newspaper circulation has been in slow decline for quite some time.  Like everything else today, we can now buy our newspapers on line on this thing called the internet.  Newspapers are SO cheap online, sometimes they're free.

It's difficult to find a true success story of a Newspaper's paywall.  This unchartered territory has danced one step forward, two steps back with more turns and backtracks than a blogger threatened with liability.

Rumor was that journalists didn't even like bloggers.  As blogging grew it's followers at the rate hard copy news paper circulation declined, there was a rumoured census that audiences were more entertained and interested in reading their 'news' from a multitude of forums.  However these blogging forums are purely opinion based and let's be honest..... I don't want to read about the current state of Greece's economy and how it could undo the whole EURO set up by dragging down those who DID pay their bills (like uptight Germany) written up on some blog by a Greek housewife (whose husband is one of those that thinks he can't be bothered paying his tax), I need to learn about it from a non partial professional who is reporting confirmed facts.

Regardless of whether I read a professionals confirmed facts backlit on an iPad or laid out on the coffee table written on fish and chip wrapping, surely someone has to get paid for writing it (and even FACEBOOK the most viewed website in the world hasn't successfully profited online advertising) so surely I have to pay some amount for reading it (cause eventually someone gotto be paid for writing it)?

I can confirm journalists DON'T dislike bloggers, I'm a baby blogger turning one month old only last Monday and was invited to meet with some GODs of News Limited.  Ironically it was the same Monday my blog turned one month that BOTH major news houses woke up and thought, shit.... better do something about this!  While my blog post wouldn't confirm the subject of my meeting I can assure you my meet did NOT bring down two major forces in our country's communication.

I can't know everything, so obviously i don't know your own personal news paper reading habits.  However, I can confirm that I actually don't know a single person in my immediate circle that DOESN'T buy the Sunday papers.... and they all own iPads.

The future is never written in stone, will it be written on paper or will it be written on a backlit screen?

I don't know..... can someone write about it and tell me so we all know?